Dear Diary A Buffet of Margaritaville,

(Spoiler Alert this one has a serious tone not a lot of hilarity ensued here)

Eeeeh like how I did that I took Jimmy Buffet and his song and cleverly put it together.  Shut up don’t be jealous of my comedic skills.  Seriously folks I had a buffet of strong Margaritas on Saturday, DAMN YOU BERRYHILL!!!!!!!!!!!! Weekends kill me every time.  I was just reading an article about how you can blow all your efforts of being good during the week with one bad weekend.  People have been telling me encouraging words of well sometimes we do blow it but we get back on track.  But if you compare my addiction to a drug user, I am not the “well I will just toke up this one blunt and that will be fine.”  NOOOOOOOOOOOO my weekends are like Charlie Sheen with 8 balls and porn stars all around getting hernias from too much drug in fueled escapades.  In other words I lose control.  People say don’t deprive yourself or you will lose control.  Yes in theory I can take a sip of a margarita or a bite of a brownie and be fine.  But when you have no control that sip or bite turns into 4 margaritas or a whole pan of brownies.  What do you do?  Well a drug addict or alcoholic just avoids the addiction all together by not doing drugs or drinking alcohol.  I can’t say welp I am giving up food.  Yeah we need food to live.  I mean sure I can do the Beyonce diarrhea diet (its called Master Cleanse folks seriously!) with her lemon juice, Tabasco sauce and Exlax but really does that give me nutrition.  No!  Well as I was about to think to myself I am never going to win this battle of the bulge (get it get it battle of the bulge).  Then I had a moment of clarity.

Devil Dog (Don't be fooled by her cuteness)

DON’T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF!  Yeah I am human I fall off the wagon but yes it hit me I can get back on.  In the past I fell off and stayed off.  I decided I was on a path to self-destruction because I was depressed and hated myself.  Isn’t that how most addicts are though?  You find something that thinks will solve your problems you turn to that something that gives you a high.  In my case it’s food.  I read that eating or indulging in sweets or junk food causes your brain to release serotonin which is a hormone that makes you feel happy but it’s short lived when you do that.  I was using food to make me happy.  I began to realize that’s what I would do, I am an emotional eater.  Yeah I have said it before to many of my friends but I never really examined it until now.  What makes it different now from the past? Well I am beginning to deal with my emotions.  I realized I would suppress them and instead of letting them out I would implode and start to binge.  I would do weekend benders with pizza, brownies whatever because I was depressed, angry, sad, confused all into one. (see like Charlie Sheen minus the coke and Porn Stars named Dusty Rose or whatevs)  That is all changing folks.  I started a journal to write down how I feel and in that journal (not this blog folks this is my personal one so no way José am I sharing that) I let it all out.  Afterwards I feel like a big weight is lifted off of me and hopefully soon my big weight will be off of me but I digress.  I am not ashamed to admit I am in therapy and my therapist had me do this and she told me that after I let out everything in my journal I should do healthy self-care that is NOT food or alcohol.  For example taking Pollie (Devil Dog) for walks, meditating, yoga any physical activity, hell she said even going to sleep early.  I need to do this more often if I find myself sad or angry don’t turn to the brownies turn to meditation, don’t pick up the phone to order Pizza Hut or Star Pizza take Devil Dog for a walk.  Seriously I don’t want to end up as one of those people who gain so much weight I go to Dr. Getridoffatlapbandsurgery and be in there with other Fatty McButterpants who have to get weighed on a scale they use for cattle (they seriously do that folks!).  I feel like I am having a break though and much like AA I have to take this one day at a time.  With this I end my post and leave you with these parting words.

“Hello my name is Delena Martello and I am a food addict.”  Phew finally admitted it.