Dear Diary OKAY WHAT FOODS SHOULD I EAT??? (not Hot Pockets)

Yeah I am old you can tell now!

So I have been on every nimbly bimbly diet or weight loss fad since I was 10.  Yeah you read right.  Well part of it was my mom was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabeetus at the time, so my dad and I were forced to do her low fat diet.  She even typed up the weekly menu plan on her Apple IIe.  I remember that menu plan printed on her DOT MATRIX printer (all my nerdie tech friends are virtual high fiving me for mentioning sh*tty old technology but at the time was cutting edge, next blog post COLECOVISION!)  Anyways I vividly remember those print outs on those perforated pages, each little perforation so perfect so intense, okay WHOA WHOA WHOA, sorry this is a blog post not a novel, a bad novel at that.  Well these meal plans were blandy pants city, I mean super bland.  One steamed vegetable, one baked protein (seasoned with Mrs. Dash-hello preservatives) and one piece of bread.  Yeah it was awful!  I mean come on I was used to rich Tex-Mex meals for dinner.  I almost wanted to say "Mom, seriously where are the enchiladas, what is this crap.  And I am not seeing the Carne Guisada or Arroz con Pollo, you can't mean to deny me those with some bland chicken and vegetables!"  Well she did and well that diet did not last.  I think I gained more weight sneaking food or eating two dinners (Thanks Tia Frances).  So here I am 32 and I am at a loss.  What should I eat, what shouldn't I eat???????


Well in the past few years people have been reporting or telling or playing the rumor game in informing people on what foods you should avoid and shouldn't and blah blah blah.  This has been happening for a while but it has been very prevalent for the past few years!  Trust me I know I am obsessed with food.  healthy food, unhealthy food, every food!  I even watch a TV show called Bizarre Foods where Andrew Zimmern some how eats fly vomit in cheese and its food!

Okay so basically I get from the liberal, hippy hipster commie pinko media, is you should avoid gluten, avoid high fructose syrup, avoid non-organic vegetables, avoid supermarket honey, avoid hormone injected meat, avoid non-free range chickens, avoid non-cage free eggs, avoid white breads and pastas (WHICH IS FULL OF GLUTEN, thanks for being repetitive!), avoid potatoes, oh no potatoes are okay as long as they are sweet potatoes, avoid dairy, avoid animal meats all together, avoid coffee, avoid tea, avoid water (unless its from a glacier or spring in the untouched lands of the doesn'texistlandmass), avoid sodas, avoid diet sodas, avoid sugar substitute (which is worse then high fructose corn syrup, yeah you read right Diet Coke addicts), avoid any processed foods....the list goes on.  So short of me planting my own vegetables in untouched corrupted soil and keeping bees and raising heirloom chickens for my eggs, I really don't know what to eat.  Yeah I believe my favorite blog Cooking for Assholes summed it up really well on how ridunkulous (yup I busted out the douchy word) it has gotten.  It's hilarious by the way saying food will end up being vapor so we can breath in the nutrients, yet I find it scary because it could happen.

Then an epiphany happened!  Something my doctor told me to do a long ass time ago and something I read in one of my diet fad books, the common theme in all those books really is LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  Weight Watchers has this option when you track your food is how did you feel after you ate your meal.  I went to a nutrition class and she had us track how we felt after we ate.  If you read the article I linked to on my last blog post then you know what may work for one person MAY NOT WORK FOR ANOTHER!  Yes we are all the same but we are all different too.  One person maybe allergic to peanuts but another isn't, it doesn't mean you should tell that person AVOID ALL LEGUMES!  I am lactose intolerant so I try to avoid dairy (I love cheese!) but I am not going to tell someone else who has no problem digesting it to avoid it (ahem Jonathan since he can drink 1 gallon of milk in less then an hour).  To remind people or to inform them if you happened to stumble on my blog out of sheer boredom, I have PCOS a syndrome caused by major hormone imbalance.  I should listen to my body, or see how my body feels after I eat certain foods.  For the past few days I ate pretty well.  I had egg whites (oh yes they were cage free hehehe) and veggie sausage for breakfast, mixed greens salad for lunch, dinner salmon with roasted sweet potatoes and broccoli, my body felt GREAAAAAAAAAAAT, I even did ZUMBA!  Then yesterday my husband, god bless him and I do love him, wanted me to make sausage kolaches and wanted a german meal for NYE dinner.  So I did and I of course had to eat a kolache, so I ate two naturally.  Yeah much like the "Hot Pocket" bit that Jim Gaffigan does, my body reacted the same way and I felt like sh*t.   Oh they were delicious but was the pain worth it, not really.  I paid for it ten fold.  Yeah it was like me and getting drunk back in the day, now I replaced alcohol with food.  Hey back then I listened.  I avoid and still avoid straight tequila.  Why is it that I was like yeah Tequila makes me vomit even the smell but delicious fatty beef or pork sausage that causes havoc in my intestines and colon, I keep going back?  Same with candies, looking at you Sour Patch Kids, I go into a nausea spell for almost an hour after eating it.  Yet I stupidly eat candies again.  My body is saying to me F you lady, you are F-ing us up?!!!!  Well I am going to listen to you from now on body.  I am ready to think about what I am eating and how it affects you, my body.  When I read that article about the people who lost weight and kept it off, one common theme was they always were aware of what they ate and how it affected THEIR body, not anyone else's but THEIR body.  CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!